Mind, Money & Other Matters

              As per know from my earlier blog that I moved out to a new city. Thinking sarcastically ‘This blog should not turn into my autobiography’. People and acquaintances around me are gushing with their best wishes and congratulating me for my new venture. What no one understands the underlying inhibitions and apprehensions, the overnight thinking and the longing to be back home while deciding if this would be the best move. We all assume that getting out of the comfort zone and taking up a new adventure will give us intelligence existing in the entire world; this is what generally the take away a third person gives out. But is it really what happens? Is this the best way to learn about life? Is this the only way to understand the world and the ways of the world?

              Do not look at me and assume that I have the answers to all of this, I am just a blogger after all. Going back, yes, I did get a new job. After weighing my pros and cons I finally decided to move on to this place. So now what next? No idea, this thought haunts me. To start from the beginning first came in the house hunt as we all need a roof on our heads. Finding a house specially which resembles to home is quite daunting task, but once you get it we have won half of the battle.

              Once the strenuous task was done, the next stage of making the house a home is even more difficult than it seems. I was in the mindset to take the necessities and get it done with. But my mother had other plans and was determined to send out so many things for the new house. I was resistant earlier, but then I recalled something which a friend once had told me, “Ghar ghar jaisa lagna chahiye bhale uss main ek adami rahe ya parivar”. It means that a house should always be felt like home; It might be for one person or a family. After a lot of arguing and logical reasoning I understood that once you mother makes up her mind then there is no going back. She makes sure to give you everything she has and a little more.

              Now I have a house, all the things required for a house. Thanks to my parents who help me setup everything that house is now a home, A beautiful home. A place which reminds me of my own home and makes sure that I am not stranded on the streets but am safe and sound in a warm cozy apartment of mine. As per the blog title you would say what and how is this all relevant to what all has been typed so far. Let me see if I can connect the dots, the mind set of a person to accept change is extremely difficult. The mind is in a dilemma and then reaches into high state of confusion making it impossible for the mind to record the pros and cons for any decision. It is clouded with a ton of emotions, questions, uncertainty and much more. This is all about the mind. Trust me when I say that this is just one part of it.

              Here comes the main part, Money or Monetary Matters. We are taught since our very childhood that money is not that important and should never be considered important. I wont comment regarding the relevance of this statement as relocation to any city or country takes a huge toll in all possible ways. Money being one of the vital aspects which can be managed but not ignored. When one decides to move out of their comfort zone the motivating factor is mostly money. To get the motivational money you must invest even more money. Strange logic isn’t it, yet true. You explain this logic through a series on Netflix people will make gifs and forward it. But you write it in a blog, you will get eye rolls. Raising money is not the issue, the issue begins when people take the other person for granted and do not return the money. This has happened with us all of us at least once in our lifetime. Hence its said, Money Does Matter.

              The last part is the Other Matters, here is the perceptions of people and the free advices they give assuming we need them. How does it help us? It practically is not a help and adds to the existing chaos. Meeting up expectations of others is a rigorous and never-ending task. It is something we all put up with. Of course, if you are a girl and you do not put up with it, then its even more alarming, isn’t it? The perceptions and assumptions regarding my movement to the city were surprising, here are a few examples:

  1. Good that you are moving, Pune is becoming crowded day by day. Hello Lady! Are you aware of the famous Bangalore traffic? Trust me when I tell you that it takes me 1.25 hours to reach my office when it is just 8 kms away from my home
  2. You might want to get away from the people here. Who people? Why I want to leave everyone I know and move into a city where I barely know someone *me rolling my eyes
  3. My own mother, you must be wanting to stay away from us to experience freedom. Again, the drumroll with my eye roll. Why will I want to spend on rent, transport, food, electricity and many other things in a new city when I was comfortable in my own city

There are many more such free ka fundas which I got over a period of my move. This led me to conclude that talking to people can be hazardous at times.

So far this much for this time. Will write a little more next time. Until then, enjoy!

The New Girl

              Have all noticed that there is usually a buzz around when someone new joins your school, office, society, locality etc. The curious looks are given to you; the inquires which indirectly float across. The guesses floating around when the movers and packers unload the things. The glances which might sometimes be judgmental as well making you wonder if you did right by leaving what you knew was once yours.

              Today or now I am that girl after a long time; the new girl in Town & in the Office. Everyone around the new office gets curios about the new comer, especially when she is a Girl or Woman. You are peeked upon, asked about; the awkward part is when you get to hear feedback regarding yourselves. Sometimes you like it when you realize that people have made the right guess about you concluding that people can be read even without interacting with them. While some of the things you get to hear can be surprising and shocking as well. Everyone you know around will rush to give you feedback, do this, this what I heard, this is how should sit, this is how you should not talk etc. How is it being the New Girl? Awful, everyone’s eyes are on you. You feel eyes on you the moment you enter the floor. All heads turn to you, you do not realize whether to smile or to walk off or to just stay uprooted to the spot. You say a word more, you are coined as Talkative. You do not say a word, you are coined as Introvert or a Snob. There is just no way you will be right.

              There is already quite a lot of efforts put in the big decision, looking for ways to understand to how to begin again in the new place, what would this decision lead to, how would it reflect on the past, how would the people approach you, should you even approach people and so much already going on. In this dealing with the additional unwanted attention, it just gets added to the confusion. Now from the eyes of the New Girl, I look at the new world with equal amount of Excitement and Apprehension. There is a feeling of new responsibilities we always wanted to take over, but now when they are here, we feel if we are ready to take onto them or not. Will the world be easy on you, although you wish it to be easy? Will the work and the new place be good for you, will you get along with the new people or would you like to be left alone. What if we say one extra word and everything, we were here to build upon just fell apart? Aren’t there too many questions. The answers to these questions will be answered by no one else other than time itself. I know one would say, why so? Why not any other way? Maybe I will do something to get it my way? Have we ever have gotten life the way we really wanted it?

For some reason, beyond my understanding and these many years of work experience some things are just the same in every part and corner of the world. In every society, workplace or any other place for that matter. I have observed that people around me are really trying to get to know the other person. To know if they could be trusted or they are another face which can and should be forgotten once they leave the place. The ones who are from there, ask the new things there and compare the recent time against the one when they were living over there. The ones in the similar situations and now have settled down tell you similar experiences. Some are funny, some are sad, some are confusing, some are jokes when they even don’t sound like them. Then you get to hear the stories of the new place. The plans which could be made where you could be included. The plans which are already made and would cannot be invited as things are already setup.

Just like that the journey of the New Girl begins her journey of being one of them. Looking after herself, trying to fit herself into the new world seen in front of her. This journey of self-exploration and new learning will go on as experiences and lessons for her to remember. They would be part of her life stories which she would later share with someone as memories; until the next New Girl comes into the picture her new road will always carry the tag of the New Girl.

As time passes, she would eventually fit into the team. She becomes the one to also tell the next New One a few stories of her own. She will no longer be the person of curious interests as the ones around her now know her. They made their own conclusions about her. Some bother her, some she does not even relate to, while some she heard for the first time from the others about her. She with time is no longer the new girl, or the girl she once was. She is the New Girl of her own. Only she alone would know the girl she was and now that she has become.

The Non-Existent Cage

              The 21st century millennial, that is what we are proud to call ourselves. We claim to be the luckiest lot who seem to have enjoyed both the worlds. We have played & seen the outside world when we were young while seen the face of technology when we were stepped out into this big bad world.

              We see many memes these days where people are shown chained to the technology. We agreed, some disagree, some name it as lifestyle while some name it a necessity. Amongst all the reasons there is something even more sinful we are walking into; Limiting our Capabilities in the name of technology or automation or something not being required. Yes, I understand the eye rolls I got after reading this line. Conclusion, another girl talking against technology while using technology to tell it as well. 😊

We lately are so busy rushing between time zones; falling in and out of relationships; trying to deal with loneliness; give names to the casual relationships we keep to not feel the pinch of being lonely; satisfying our Ego by mentioning the profiles we have at work and lastly undermining others as we are not happy with what we are today. Sounds familiar? Maybe yes, maybe no. Some agree some disagree to the core.

I get this a lot from people around me, “You do not know what you are! There is a lot if hidden potential in you”. I often wonder, what does this person want from me and push that thought aside. I never have given this statement any consideration that there might be something in me and maybe that something is either not explored or is undermined. We all would have heard this more than once I am sure, but at least once in every year specially during yearly and mid yearly appraisals.

Come to think of it, we all do pretend to know ourselves too well and to reach to conclusions with our abilities without even once giving it a try. I always thought I had stage fear. Even during those school events I used to be glad to stand in the back and be invisible. Thankfully, I was tall enough to easily get the permission to stand in the last row. But today when my school mates see me, I am no longer the girl I was. These days I take trainings and open forum sessions where I talk for hours making sure that people not sleep off while I let on my narcissistic drone. Kidding, the moral of the story is that I never would have pictured me doing this had you asked me all of this in school. I changed for better and for worse that only time will tell.

This incident made me think about the restrictions we put onto ourselves. Come to think of it, all we are taught in our entire growing years is about all the things we should not be doing. I understand the immoral or incorrect values which might be harmful to the others; but the others. These days in the corporate world we have something called the ‘Trust Workshop’ where we must fall back freely on the people standing behind us, hoping for them to catch us. They always catch us, I know this, yet I cannot make myself freely. I accept that over a period I have now lost the ability to keep blind faith on people. Maybe too many backstabbing and such experiences; but I am still carrying it forward thinking everyone is the same. Injustice? Stupid? Maybe yes, maybe no. We can easily reason or judge or about people. One of the worst gifts a person has taken up for themselves in the name of responsibilities.

The ‘Restrictions’ let us get back to that, I think I provide too much information to you guys while writing. So rather than learning how to break our limitations and bondages or fears, we cling onto them more labeling them as need not to be tested or crossed over or even attempted. We all have come here with a purpose to enhance ourselves more, in all possible dimensions. But all we do is exist under dire circumstances and then blame life for the things not going our way.

The gurus these days say things quite accurately, all we do is say and complain but do not anything to change it. We are so used to being in our comfort zone even if it is not working out rather specially when it is not working out. Moving towards change is something we have never learnt, nor we wish to learn. We grew up understanding how to maintain boundaries that somewhere we have forgotten to break them in order to achieve something which might seem like a miracle but is something which is easily possible for each and everyone one of to achieve.

We all now sit in a glass cage which is unlocked. We do not even try to break it nor do we try to rattle the cage and open it. What am I doing about it? I am sneaking out of the cage once in a while to explore the world. So far, I liked what I saw. Any complaints, obviously, but then are not we an unsatisfied generation.

Favors & Feelings

Favors, a word we all might have heard in the Mafia movies. Something we always wanted for ourselves the mafias to get them en-cashed in kind when required. In a world where it is not books and movies, we are not the mafia. Rather than collecting favors for ourselves we end up asking people for them. Are they the right people to ask? The answer to this will be known to each of us only when time comes.

Favors and Feelings relate to each other that too inversely proportional. When one asks for a favor, they usually get desperate to get out of a situation. Or, they might be considering the other person a well-wisher. Lastly, not ruling out the fact of someone taking advantage of the other one’s feelings. Yes, you read it right or maybe I phrased it wrong.

Moving on, Feelings I feel, ironically, play a major part in the game of favours. Now, let us not blame the person who is asking a favour, the way one usually thinks. There is an obvious other side, where the person who is doing you a favour can sometimes feel or demand things calling in the favour which they once owed you.

Is this fair? Well, I never knew a fair life. Is this correct? Well, we do not live in a fair.

The reason for this blog to be written was one of my own experiences. A desperate person looking for a path, end up at a person ‘s door who has a sense of direction. Upon telling him the address, the person did point me towards a road. I started walking down the road, trusting the person who told me the address. Did I reach my destination, I am still walking? I think he told me the longer routine (kidding)? But I learnt one thing, after asking for this favour, there were some unsaid expectations set about me. Suddenly, I was to give my world to him. I wondered why? I was to keep him loop about everything. I wondered why? So this way the wheel of expectations from his end started because I requested him to help me as he was in a position to provide me with a little help.

I have always known, and I also believe, that life is never fair. The rules of the game called life keeps changing. In this ever-changing game, there should be rules of humanity which everyone needs to follow. High expectations from everyone I know.

I do not know how to end up this write-up. All I feel is that people taking advantage of a desperate person in the name of feelings is not at all fair. It is even more hurting when it comes from trust-worthy person. It gives us a slap from reality of the world in which we live. Requesting help these days is as costly as an EMI. An EMI is affordable, but the cost of owing someone a favor might be expensive EMI. The interest may not be worth the price of the favor.

Finding Self Worth

We all reach a point of saturation in our life. We might be in a relationship, off one, single, separated, divorced, complicated and so on. The list of status has always been unending and complicated. In that saturation point we often find ourselves in the in an abyss wherein we locked ourselves into a room with closed doors. We are in a locked mindset where no road seems to go nowhere, but we come back to the very place we began every time we start to move somewhere.

 

Often, we require time to think and jump start things around us. we wish to have different people around us, a different life around us. What we need, what we want and what we have all become blurred. Understanding things, places, people, goals, life seems like a tedious task. We feel like we are living a life which we never chose.

 

Seeing us struggle like this, the loved ones keep giving positive notes, advises, quotes, these are usually the things we do not need. we all are just seeking a direction to go with at that point of time. You explain this to people, but the more we explain, the more complicated it gets for them. Seeking rather professional help, in this country is looked upon disdainfully. The only thing others can picture, is an asylum.

 

In such scenario how does one try to get help when one has lost his own self-worth. We start feeling so unimportant about our own selves, we keep pushing each day forward. We almost give upon ourselves, we reach to such a void, now that void feel comforting. We as humans, rarely try to move out of our comfort zone. Best feeling in this world is when we are sleeping. We go numb, no feelings, no goals, no life just drifting around and like a soulless ghost.

 

Is it easy to find what you are looking for? is it easy to even understand what we are looking for? is it easy to know that we need to look for something which will help us look forward. Moving on from darkness to light seems like walking a long tunnel not knowing where it will end.

 

Currently, I am walking in a similar long, dark tunnel not knowing where it will lead to. I am scared to find another close door, after closing the door before this one, knowing never to open it again. It is a walk, indeed a long one, a lonely one as well. The journey is only for me to complete, no one can help, no one can walk it for me. After thinking a lot, I decided to move myself from the dark locked room where I was to some place where there’s is a little light to see the things around me. So far, have not reached anywhere, I have not found any goal. I decided to just walk in a direction I see where the road leads.

 

Was it decision I took boldly, no. I have my fears, apprehension, questions, aggravation and all. But it’s a start. I will let you know once I reach somewhere, I might stay there for a while, just to figure out if I like that place. If the answer is yes, then the next step is to find myself a goal or a future or a life. If I did not like the place, then I will not feel much bad or not reminiscent too much about it as I have already decided to keep moving until I find my heaven or what I might like my heaven to be.

 

Until then, you all take care and stay blessed.

Woman’s Day

‘Wo’Man, I am purposefully saying it this way, to deliberately sound like a feminist… (I am just kidding). The Word Woman has many perceptions and assumptions built around it. Presumptions are not limited to Men alone, they are from the same gender as well. When we say a Wo-Man specially on Woman’s Day; it sounds like Wonder Woman on such occasions. It might be true it might be not, this is and always be debatable.

Since Vedic ages, each of our cultures have Goddesses in them who have played vital roles in developing civilizations, continuing the tradition until today. We are witnesses of this world, watching women excel in leadership in roles in most prominent fields like Defence, Foreign Relationships, Arts & Literature, Medical and much more.

Here today I stand in front of you, to represent Woman and to put forward my life in front of you. This I do not know will help me today or not. However, this hopefully should help the future generations where hopefully equality will prosper.

Women are often portrayed either Strong or Weak or a Mother, a Sister, a Friend, a Girlfriend, Wife and much more. But instead of all this could we just consider her a Human for a while. Just not wander off to conclusions and mark territories or lines of demarcations for her. Define her role within her own Life, Office, Home and many other places. 

No matter what age, role, responsibility they play in today’s time, the fact remains that they are still invisible in this world. Their contributions are recognized only of those special days. Their existence is appreciated only in terms to be spoken in some speech, by someone, someday.

I am not here to claim, dictate or preach anything about how we are treated, what should be done, what can be done, if I even want to be noticed or just disappear into the crowd. I stand here just to say that I am a human after all. No matter what happens tomorrow or any other day I exist for myself and those alike me. I strive for myself and those alike me. I do not ask for permissions, freedom, space and all. All I request you is to take a step back and let me breathe and just be me. A woman that I am, let me learn to cherish myself first. Only then, maybe then, I would expect the same from the world. Hopefully someday, no woman in the future would have to take a stand in front of everyone to define herself and seek permission to be just herself and nothing more or nothing less.

The Business of Religion

golden-temple-3

A big controversial topic which might not even go well with the people. This is a topic which people might come back to me saying that this should not have been touched. Please consider this just a few words of mine drafted in a string on a page. Call them thoughts call them phrase.

 

I had been to visit Tirupati a few months back. The preparations for the trip and its booking started some 4 four months prior to the trip. There are many reservations which we must get done to just visit the temple. There was a time when temples were always open to all. Now we must make bookings for the same for every kind.

 

Like the real life, we have reservation classes train class, flight class, reservation quota etc. Now even for temples which is the very base of our culture has classes like Savra Darshan (normal visitation), Special Darshan (special visitation). Then you have the VIP and Super VIP as well.

 

In a culture like India where religion has too much influence on the population there should be a standard set or the sense of equality to prevail. Some places the reservations should not be considered. When people come over from all the places to obtain blessings and to attain inner peace and a way to progress, the demarcation of the crowd depending upon their source of meals do not matter.

 

Maybe if we just respect the feelings, the desperation of the desperate that would help the cause in a better way. When I say all this, I am honestly being a hypocrite, as I would prefer the earliest getaway possible.

 

However, the only thing I would like to change would be the moments given to a person to look at the idol for a while at least until the charge paid to you is refunded in terms of mental peace and satisfaction of seeing and being with the idol for a while.

The Husbandless Bride

Bride

Marriages are a costly affair specially in India. Other than the Bride & the Groom everyone else is involved with much more enthusiasm. This enthusiasm cost a heavy price specially when things do not work out.

 

As per general traditions, I was also married to someone the family found. Like every typical arranged marriage, things went ahead We met, we liked each other, thought that we might make a good couple and moved on taking the next step. Then finally came the D-day and soon the grand affair was over. Over the next year we realized that we could not see anything eye-to-eye and hence as most of the marriages these days, he called it quits and I had not much choice here and I moved back. This story is not a sob story of what the break up. It is more on what happens next.

 

When a girl gets married she gets all the rights that a married woman has, attending Puja’s, she would be invited into different functions and would be given certain amount of respect. People start noticing her as soon as she is married, for the first years she would be a part of all the family get together, all the small events and the various puja’s and fasts and so on. There is a lot many rituals that come across her way when the Mangalsutra is worn by her.

 

Now a days, being into the marriage, finding someone who would accept you the way you are, not trying to change you for their betterment or for your worse is impossible. ‘Divorce’ now a days is more than common. People have lost the will to be not give up easily. Six months and plans are hatched to get rid of the other one. Maybe the generation is moving to fast & in a blur to realize  what one might miss ahead. In all of this what happens of the bride who was accepted and given rights for all the rituals and now suddenly she has been revoked of all the rights because the ‘Divorce’ came into the picture. There is already a change in the bride’s life trying to scope up with the recent & new expectations and Demands. When one day things start to fall rapidly even before one can understand the waves of change come in & made her the Bride without a Husband.

 

The outlook of the people changed. The very same people who treated her like a Goddess now ignore her like a widow, The rituals are not for her anymore, the respect will not come her way anymore. The whispers behind her back are carried by the winds to her ears, making her doubt her very own existence. In such a scenario, where she has a husband who no longer says that she is his, who is very much alive, who she thinks of everyday, how is she to take the tides of Change again? We as a society have not changed at all. Living in the 21st century holding onto values of the ancient is only making life more than difficult than what it actually it should be. The respect for the fallen one is needed after all, the journey of restarting everything all over again is more than painful.

 

This is something we all need to think about on many levels. Maybe a change in a thought will make a huge change in someone’s life in the future.

Without Me

Without Me

I heard my Heart scream in Protest

Against the break which it felt

I tried to not feel the pain

I tried taking the pain away

It was determined to stay

Refusing to budge or Sway

Watching you walk away

Seeing my Life walk away

I tried taking the pain away

Without you in my Life

I knew that I would never be the same again

The Joys you gave also refused to stay

Walking behind you instead

I tried taking the pain away

Let me Hug one last time

Give you all that I had called Mine

Hoping that it maybe all I can give

Happiness it is nothing else at all

This is the last gift of remembrance of me

Wishing you nothing but Happiness

In the Life you would live

Without Me

Mirage

Mirage

The Walk of Life

Seems so Lonely

The Want of Me

Will seem Only

Your Thirst for this Mirage

Made you walk Miles

Beware Though

It’s a Mirage, might be Lies

I may not be; what I seem to be

A Heartbroken One

Who gave you the Sharpest Piece

Watching you Bleed Sanding Alone

Mind says Run

Heart says Don’t Leave Him Alone