Favors & Feelings

Favors, a word we all might have heard in the Mafia movies. Something we always wanted for ourselves the mafias to get them en-cashed in kind when required. In a world where it is not books and movies, we are not the mafia. Rather than collecting favors for ourselves we end up asking people for them. Are they the right people to ask? The answer to this will be known to each of us only when time comes.

Favors and Feelings relate to each other that too inversely proportional. When one asks for a favor, they usually get desperate to get out of a situation. Or, they might be considering the other person a well-wisher. Lastly, not ruling out the fact of someone taking advantage of the other one’s feelings. Yes, you read it right or maybe I phrased it wrong.

Moving on, Feelings I feel, ironically, play a major part in the game of favours. Now, let us not blame the person who is asking a favour, the way one usually thinks. There is an obvious other side, where the person who is doing you a favour can sometimes feel or demand things calling in the favour which they once owed you.

Is this fair? Well, I never knew a fair life. Is this correct? Well, we do not live in a fair.

The reason for this blog to be written was one of my own experiences. A desperate person looking for a path, end up at a person ‘s door who has a sense of direction. Upon telling him the address, the person did point me towards a road. I started walking down the road, trusting the person who told me the address. Did I reach my destination, I am still walking? I think he told me the longer routine (kidding)? But I learnt one thing, after asking for this favour, there were some unsaid expectations set about me. Suddenly, I was to give my world to him. I wondered why? I was to keep him loop about everything. I wondered why? So this way the wheel of expectations from his end started because I requested him to help me as he was in a position to provide me with a little help.

I have always known, and I also believe, that life is never fair. The rules of the game called life keeps changing. In this ever-changing game, there should be rules of humanity which everyone needs to follow. High expectations from everyone I know.

I do not know how to end up this write-up. All I feel is that people taking advantage of a desperate person in the name of feelings is not at all fair. It is even more hurting when it comes from trust-worthy person. It gives us a slap from reality of the world in which we live. Requesting help these days is as costly as an EMI. An EMI is affordable, but the cost of owing someone a favor might be expensive EMI. The interest may not be worth the price of the favor.

Finding Self Worth

We all reach a point of saturation in our life. We might be in a relationship, off one, single, separated, divorced, complicated and so on. The list of status has always been unending and complicated. In that saturation point we often find ourselves in the in an abyss wherein we locked ourselves into a room with closed doors. We are in a locked mindset where no road seems to go nowhere, but we come back to the very place we began every time we start to move somewhere.

 

Often, we require time to think and jump start things around us. we wish to have different people around us, a different life around us. What we need, what we want and what we have all become blurred. Understanding things, places, people, goals, life seems like a tedious task. We feel like we are living a life which we never chose.

 

Seeing us struggle like this, the loved ones keep giving positive notes, advises, quotes, these are usually the things we do not need. we all are just seeking a direction to go with at that point of time. You explain this to people, but the more we explain, the more complicated it gets for them. Seeking rather professional help, in this country is looked upon disdainfully. The only thing others can picture, is an asylum.

 

In such scenario how does one try to get help when one has lost his own self-worth. We start feeling so unimportant about our own selves, we keep pushing each day forward. We almost give upon ourselves, we reach to such a void, now that void feel comforting. We as humans, rarely try to move out of our comfort zone. Best feeling in this world is when we are sleeping. We go numb, no feelings, no goals, no life just drifting around and like a soulless ghost.

 

Is it easy to find what you are looking for? is it easy to even understand what we are looking for? is it easy to know that we need to look for something which will help us look forward. Moving on from darkness to light seems like walking a long tunnel not knowing where it will end.

 

Currently, I am walking in a similar long, dark tunnel not knowing where it will lead to. I am scared to find another close door, after closing the door before this one, knowing never to open it again. It is a walk, indeed a long one, a lonely one as well. The journey is only for me to complete, no one can help, no one can walk it for me. After thinking a lot, I decided to move myself from the dark locked room where I was to some place where there’s is a little light to see the things around me. So far, have not reached anywhere, I have not found any goal. I decided to just walk in a direction I see where the road leads.

 

Was it decision I took boldly, no. I have my fears, apprehension, questions, aggravation and all. But it’s a start. I will let you know once I reach somewhere, I might stay there for a while, just to figure out if I like that place. If the answer is yes, then the next step is to find myself a goal or a future or a life. If I did not like the place, then I will not feel much bad or not reminiscent too much about it as I have already decided to keep moving until I find my heaven or what I might like my heaven to be.

 

Until then, you all take care and stay blessed.

Woman’s Day

‘Wo’Man, I am purposefully saying it this way, to deliberately sound like a feminist… (I am just kidding). The Word Woman has many perceptions and assumptions built around it. Presumptions are not limited to Men alone, they are from the same gender as well. When we say a Wo-Man specially on Woman’s Day; it sounds like Wonder Woman on such occasions. It might be true it might be not, this is and always be debatable.

Since Vedic ages, each of our cultures have Goddesses in them who have played vital roles in developing civilizations, continuing the tradition until today. We are witnesses of this world, watching women excel in leadership in roles in most prominent fields like Defence, Foreign Relationships, Arts & Literature, Medical and much more.

Here today I stand in front of you, to represent Woman and to put forward my life in front of you. This I do not know will help me today or not. However, this hopefully should help the future generations where hopefully equality will prosper.

Women are often portrayed either Strong or Weak or a Mother, a Sister, a Friend, a Girlfriend, Wife and much more. But instead of all this could we just consider her a Human for a while. Just not wander off to conclusions and mark territories or lines of demarcations for her. Define her role within her own Life, Office, Home and many other places. 

No matter what age, role, responsibility they play in today’s time, the fact remains that they are still invisible in this world. Their contributions are recognized only of those special days. Their existence is appreciated only in terms to be spoken in some speech, by someone, someday.

I am not here to claim, dictate or preach anything about how we are treated, what should be done, what can be done, if I even want to be noticed or just disappear into the crowd. I stand here just to say that I am a human after all. No matter what happens tomorrow or any other day I exist for myself and those alike me. I strive for myself and those alike me. I do not ask for permissions, freedom, space and all. All I request you is to take a step back and let me breathe and just be me. A woman that I am, let me learn to cherish myself first. Only then, maybe then, I would expect the same from the world. Hopefully someday, no woman in the future would have to take a stand in front of everyone to define herself and seek permission to be just herself and nothing more or nothing less.

The Business of Religion

golden-temple-3

A big controversial topic which might not even go well with the people. This is a topic which people might come back to me saying that this should not have been touched. Please consider this just a few words of mine drafted in a string on a page. Call them thoughts call them phrase.

 

I had been to visit Tirupati a few months back. The preparations for the trip and its booking started some 4 four months prior to the trip. There are many reservations which we must get done to just visit the temple. There was a time when temples were always open to all. Now we must make bookings for the same for every kind.

 

Like the real life, we have reservation classes train class, flight class, reservation quota etc. Now even for temples which is the very base of our culture has classes like Savra Darshan (normal visitation), Special Darshan (special visitation). Then you have the VIP and Super VIP as well.

 

In a culture like India where religion has too much influence on the population there should be a standard set or the sense of equality to prevail. Some places the reservations should not be considered. When people come over from all the places to obtain blessings and to attain inner peace and a way to progress, the demarcation of the crowd depending upon their source of meals do not matter.

 

Maybe if we just respect the feelings, the desperation of the desperate that would help the cause in a better way. When I say all this, I am honestly being a hypocrite, as I would prefer the earliest getaway possible.

 

However, the only thing I would like to change would be the moments given to a person to look at the idol for a while at least until the charge paid to you is refunded in terms of mental peace and satisfaction of seeing and being with the idol for a while.

The Husbandless Bride

Bride

Marriages are a costly affair specially in India. Other than the Bride & the Groom everyone else is involved with much more enthusiasm. This enthusiasm cost a heavy price specially when things do not work out.

 

As per general traditions, I was also married to someone the family found. Like every typical arranged marriage, things went ahead We met, we liked each other, thought that we might make a good couple and moved on taking the next step. Then finally came the D-day and soon the grand affair was over. Over the next year we realized that we could not see anything eye-to-eye and hence as most of the marriages these days, he called it quits and I had not much choice here and I moved back. This story is not a sob story of what the break up. It is more on what happens next.

 

When a girl gets married she gets all the rights that a married woman has, attending Puja’s, she would be invited into different functions and would be given certain amount of respect. People start noticing her as soon as she is married, for the first years she would be a part of all the family get together, all the small events and the various puja’s and fasts and so on. There is a lot many rituals that come across her way when the Mangalsutra is worn by her.

 

Now a days, being into the marriage, finding someone who would accept you the way you are, not trying to change you for their betterment or for your worse is impossible. ‘Divorce’ now a days is more than common. People have lost the will to be not give up easily. Six months and plans are hatched to get rid of the other one. Maybe the generation is moving to fast & in a blur to realize  what one might miss ahead. In all of this what happens of the bride who was accepted and given rights for all the rituals and now suddenly she has been revoked of all the rights because the ‘Divorce’ came into the picture. There is already a change in the bride’s life trying to scope up with the recent & new expectations and Demands. When one day things start to fall rapidly even before one can understand the waves of change come in & made her the Bride without a Husband.

 

The outlook of the people changed. The very same people who treated her like a Goddess now ignore her like a widow, The rituals are not for her anymore, the respect will not come her way anymore. The whispers behind her back are carried by the winds to her ears, making her doubt her very own existence. In such a scenario, where she has a husband who no longer says that she is his, who is very much alive, who she thinks of everyday, how is she to take the tides of Change again? We as a society have not changed at all. Living in the 21st century holding onto values of the ancient is only making life more than difficult than what it actually it should be. The respect for the fallen one is needed after all, the journey of restarting everything all over again is more than painful.

 

This is something we all need to think about on many levels. Maybe a change in a thought will make a huge change in someone’s life in the future.

Without Me

Without Me

I heard my Heart scream in Protest

Against the break which it felt

I tried to not feel the pain

I tried taking the pain away

It was determined to stay

Refusing to budge or Sway

Watching you walk away

Seeing my Life walk away

I tried taking the pain away

Without you in my Life

I knew that I would never be the same again

The Joys you gave also refused to stay

Walking behind you instead

I tried taking the pain away

Let me Hug one last time

Give you all that I had called Mine

Hoping that it maybe all I can give

Happiness it is nothing else at all

This is the last gift of remembrance of me

Wishing you nothing but Happiness

In the Life you would live

Without Me

Mirage

Mirage

The Walk of Life

Seems so Lonely

The Want of Me

Will seem Only

Your Thirst for this Mirage

Made you walk Miles

Beware Though

It’s a Mirage, might be Lies

I may not be; what I seem to be

A Heartbroken One

Who gave you the Sharpest Piece

Watching you Bleed Sanding Alone

Mind says Run

Heart says Don’t Leave Him Alone

 

 

No More Waking Up For School

Every morning Mother don’t wake me up
The school seems boring while I can play here once I’m up
I told the morning to stay away
For I wished to snuggle & lie in my bed
Just lie till noon
Trouble Mother till the afternoon
Pay heart filled till the evening
Run inti Father’s arms; once the evening comes bringing him along
This is all I want my life to be
No more school or waking up in the morning, please

Today morning Mother again woke me up
I rushed get to go away; I complained to her a lot
She got me ready in a hurry
She packed my bag with a Kiss and a Pat
Got onto my bus which is always in a rush
I forgot to say her Goodbye
Then u thought to say her a Hi
When I get back; why the need to cry

Never did we know
This was my last Goodbye
Had I realized; I would’ve never said goodbye
I would’ve cried
I would’ve stayed with her
Till my tears were dry
Keeping her arms around me
Feeling the Warmth
Not letting her go by

The routine began; suddenly changed
When we heard the fireworks
Then we felt the pain
Saw the blood trickling on the floor
Coming towards us to grab us & more
Everyone ran; I should’ve ran too
Nowhere to go since there was no way to show
I felt something
I didn’t realize it was pain
Before I realized how it felt
I unfelt everything again

The tiffin’s just lay, so did the bags
Shoe remained there painted wild and red
We all seem asleep everywhere
Now no more waking up for schools again

Mother needn’t rush every morning
Run behind me to finish the packing
I told the sun my final goodbye
For now I’m here
In my coffin cold dark dry
You and Father don’t come by
I can’t stop the flowing tears
Even if I try
Now this coffin is all I have

Now no more waking up for school

 

 

Agneepariksha

sita-agni-pariksha-the-ramayana

It was just a usual weekday morning where I was at the dining table with my got cup of coffee and the morning newspaper. While going through the paper a headline caught my eye that a 27 year of was raped by the same Taxi Driver while she was on her way home after availing the cab service of the same provider. This was a very reputed cab company, but it had a record of such similar incident earlier as well. At reading it in a little more detail, it was pretty clear tar the company had failed to conduct the background checks for their hired employee. The girl had to pay the price of someone else’s irresponsibility. Her life is completely ruined.

Putting a little more thought into this scenario, it made me realize that the value of the girl’s life & her reputation is equal to nothing. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened neither would it be the last. But have we put a thought is to why is this happening? How is it possible, that the gender which is capable of bringing a new life to this very world has to fear for her own life at times? Is her life this expendable? Why is it that the girls have completely lost their respect& the value of their own existence? Where did this gender fail? Like the usual reasons, please do not even attempt to tell me that this happens because of the way the girls dress up & all. I find this argument not even worth a second of my thinking time.

I have a theory regarding the entire cliché. Knowing that my mind is a wanderer, it went all the way back well into the mythological era in hopes to get a clue of the beginning of the patriarchy revolution. I think this all became very prominent from the Ram Rajya, i.e. the Ramayana. You all would be like ‘WTF is she talking about’. But seriously, try and recall the entire Ramayana and then stop at the point where a lower class Dhobi (washer man) had asked the King (Ram) regarding the purity of his Queen (Sita). This doubt came into existence because she was abducted by Ravana and kept as a prisoner for quite some time (at least the time they finished constructing the bridge). I remember my childhood when my grandmother used to tell me Ramayana (mostly to keep me away from the Disney stories) I always used to wonder why would even one think about such a thing. How could someone else even think like this about a person knowing that they have come back after a huge fight? How does the physical part of the body has anything to do with purity? What happens about the person’s heart, feelings, the intimacy they shared? The biggest question which still remains unanswered is that Why didn’t she refuse?

Coming back to our Sita, she did stand firmly with her husband at all times. Please do not forget similar to Ram she was also from the royal family, a princess. She willingly spent all the years with Ram in his ‘Vanvas’. I agree that she got kidnapped and all, but they were just a series of unfortunately accidents which landed her into huge amount of trouble. But then her knight who wasn’t exactly a Knight in Shining Armor but rather a leader of monkey army did come and rescue her and took her to their rightful home. But what did she get after coming home, she was forced to give Agneepariksha to prove her purity. Which leads to my basic question, how to prove purity of a person? I never understood why Ram never defended Sita to the Dhobi. Didn’t she prove that she loved him in those 14 years? Wasn’t she the one who walked away leaving all the luxuries of the palace for a life with him? Let us for a say that he was forced to question her. She should’ve refused to give Agneeparisksha. Like she was alone in some other land so was he, making him also doubtful in her mind, although this thought never occurred to her.

I feel that when she accepted to give the Agneeparisksha she just made her gender the weaker one who would be again and again forcefully made to bend by the opposite gender. We would be forced into following the rules created by Men. I think if it weren’t for this incident Patriarchy would not have existed up to this extent and major population would have lived under the umbrella of equality. We all would be living in a different world where the Women/Girls would be treated with much more respect.

Hence I say that She Should Have Refused. It would have saved a lot of lives today.

Hall of Mirrors

Hall of MirrorsWe all think about people no matter how much we claim that we don’t judge them. But inevitably we do. I reached this to this thought after visiting an interesting place. The interesting place which I mentioned was actually a local amusement park in my city. It was bright with many stalls, a dozen rides, colorful tents and all. There was a tent which had caught my attention; it was the ‘Hall of Mirrors‘. After entering I noticed that there wasn’t much crowd in there. The tent appeared to be faded and old, with a shredded carpet which could not be called as a carpet anymore. The mirrors which were hung were all very old and unclean. They were hung opposite each other. Some were round, some were square, and some were tall while some were curve and oval. Very few people were mingling around, laughing, joking, wondering, frowning etc. I could see people looking at themselves and each other into the mirrors.

Now, you must be wondering what I was doing there. Well, I was over there with my niece, who was all over the place with excitement. We were moving from mirror to mirror looking at ourselves. In some of them we were looking tall, in some we were short, in some we were fat and in some we were ugly. But there was not a mirror were we were perfect; however, I happier looking at my overexcited niece. Her excitement was actually contagious.

I noticed that like me many people were looking at us and smiling. Some were openly staring at us; some were gawking at us while some were looking at us through their mirrors. It was then I realized that our Life more or less is a like our own ‘Hall of Mirrors’. Here we all see each other through our own eyes or someone else’s eyes.

We all have our own lives to live; while we get busy living our life. While being busy doing this we encounter many people in this lifetime of ours. We built perceptions about them. Some perceptions are of our own while some are built on others opinion and experience. Like the reflections we see in the mirrors, most of them get lost within these mirrors like a shadow of the past but some linger and remain with us till the very end. Sometimes it’s only us who remain with our own selves.

In these mirrors we also see ourselves with the others. We also see ourselves differently than what people see us. Sometimes we see ourselves as extremely great people. Sometimes we also end up hating ourselves. While people see us completely opposite of what people see us as.

What our life is nothing but a play of perception. Some perceptions match ours while some are completely different from ours. These perceptions keep altering as time passes. The time either fades away the person and their shadow fades away or it lingers somewhere in the darkest corner of our minds. These are later known as Memories. The good ones are at least while is rest of them as called as Experiences.

Come let’s look into these mirrors and try and look beyond our perceptions; rather than asking the same question ‘Mirror Mirror on the Wall; Who’s the Fairest of All’ rather ask a different question or perhaps no question at all…